A quiet crisis is unfolding among men that rarely makes the headlines. It does not announce itself with protest or noise, but in the empty chairs around dinner tables, the unanswered messages, and the birthdays that slip by unnoticed. Researchers have begun calling it the “friendship recession,” and it is hollowing out the social lives of men.
In the United States, the numbers are stark. In 1990, more than 55% of men reported having six or more close friends. Today, that number has dropped to just over 27%. At the same time, the proportion of men with no close friends at all has climbed fivefold—from 3% to 15%. Loneliness among men has gone from being an exception to something much closer to the norm. Psychologists now warn that the health risks of chronic social isolation are on par with smoking and obesity, quietly shortening lives and eroding resilience.
South Africa has not formally mapped this trend, but the signs are evident. The median age of first marriage for men has risen sharply — now 37, compared to just 30 in the 1990s. Civil marriage registrations have dropped steadily over the past decade. For many men, this means that the anchor of family life arrives later, if at all. At the same time, a recent study found that more than 37% of older South Africans experience loneliness weekly, with black African men reporting the highest levels despite often living in multigenerational households. Religion, once a consistent buffer, is also shifting, with declining attendance in many urban centres. The social scaffolding that once held men together is thinner than it used to be.
Emotional distance behind the numbers
Beneath these structural shifts lies something harder to measure but deeply felt: emotional distance. Even when men do have friends, they often report weaker emotional bonds than women. Many admit that years can pass without real contact, sustained by the comforting illusion that “we’ll pick up where we left off.” The reality is that time, distance, and unspoken struggles quietly widen the gap.
Masculinity norms compound the silence. Vulnerability still feels like dangerous terrain, and so men tend to lean away from conversations that could actually bring them closer. The result is an erosion of trust, intimacy, and a sense of belonging, precisely at the stage of life when men need it most. Work pressures intensify. Health challenges emerge as parents age. Without strong social ties, men face these demands with fewer buffers and thinner reserves. What appears to be independence on the outside often conceals a sense of isolation on the inside.
Reconnection as resilience
The good news is that the solution is not complicated. Friendships are not rebuilt by theory but by time — time invested, not postponed. A walk with a friend, a standing coffee ritual, the courage to say “I’m not okay” when it matters — these are the small hinges on which big doors of resilience turn.
For South Africa, the opportunity is clear. We can counter disconnection by creating more intentional spaces where men can step outside of performance mode, reconnect with a sense of brotherhood, and be reminded that they do not have to face life alone.
Few investments provide such a return. Loneliness subtracts; connection multiplies. The challenge is not whether men need this — it is whether they will find the courage to reclaim it.