Beyond the Brink: The Art of Clearing Your Own Vessel
There is a lie I lived by for years: If I stop holding everything, it will all fall apart.
It was never said out loud. However, it ran beneath everything—beneath the long hours, the quiet pressure, the steady tone in meetings. Holding it all became part of who I thought I had to be. Moreover, for the most part, it worked. I showed up. I stayed sharp. I stayed in control.
The Cost of Containment
However, there was this low, constant irritation beneath the surface.
A quiet hum of anger that I could not explain. It was not loud. It was not aggressive. However, it was always there, ready to erupt at the wrong time, toward the wrong person, for the wrong reason. I never let it. I kept it contained. I performed well. I spoke calmly. I stayed collected.
Then, I started noticing something shift. When I was pushed too far, I felt a sharp instinct to retaliate—not with rage, but with precision. Not helpful precision—cutting precision. Sometimes it slipped out. A phrase, a tone, a cold kind of clarity that did not just land hard—it sounded hard, even to me. That is when I began questioning not just how I felt, but how I showed up. Who was I becoming in those moments of containment, finally cracking?
What happens to a system when it has nowhere to release? What happens to a body that becomes a pressure vessel? What happens to a man who is too good at absorbing everything and never interrupts the build-up?
Physiological Impact: Autonomic Shutdown
Science has its answers. The body adapts, but not in a healthy way. It downshifts. When chronic, unreleased pressure saturates the system, the nervous system employs a sophisticated, often subconscious, coping mechanism known as autonomic shutdown (Porges, 2011). This is a ‘bracing’ response where, while the body maintains outward functionality, deeper neurological pathways associated with empathy, insight, and full present-moment awareness are muted to conserve resources and manage perceived threat.
The sustained physiological burden of unreleased stress can lead to demonstrable declines in executive function. Research indicates that areas responsible for working memory, decision-making, and emotional regulation can become impaired (Thayer et al., 2012; Arnsten, 2009). This is not a sign of irrationality, but rather a neurobiological consequence of an ‘over-capacitated’ system struggling to maintain optimal function under chronic strain. However, because you are still meeting your obligations, no one sees it. Maybe not even you.
The Decision to Clear
Until something small hits too hard, or someone you care about finally says, “You are here, but I cannot feel you.”
That was my moment. Not a dramatic collapse—just the realization that I was not living. I was managing.
I did not need therapy. I did not need insight. I needed a decision.
Offloading was not about talking. It was not about naming everything I was carrying. It was the act of not carrying it anymore. I wrote it. I folded it. I destroyed it. That moment did not change everything. However, something left the system. In that space, I felt my signal return.
It is still a question I carry: What has this cost me, all this holding in?
Here is what I know now: I no longer wait for collapse. I do not need to justify putting something down.
I clear before I crack.
That is not weakness. That is what kept me intact.
References
Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422.
Levant, R. F., Hall, R. J., Williams, C. M., & Hasan, N. T. (2009). Gender differences in alexithymia. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 10(3), 190–203.
McEwen, B. S., & Gianaros, P. J. (2010). Central role of the brain in stress and adaptation. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1186(1), 190–222.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Thayer, J. F., Åhs, F., Fredrikson, M., Sollers, J. J., & Wager, T. D. (2012). A meta-analysis of heart rate variability and neuroimaging studies. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 36(2), 747–756.